FORGIVENESS

Jonathan made fun of me recently for trekking back to the States so frequently (twice in one year!). Before heading to the States this last time, I read a quote by Henry Nouwen that goes like this:

I have often said, "I forgive you," but even as I said these words my heart remained angry or resentful. I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses; I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return - if only the praise for being so forgiving!

But God's forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of self-seeking. It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life. It calls me to keep stepping over all my arguments that say forgiveness is unwise, unhealthy, and impractical. It challenges me to step over my need for gratitude and compliments. Finally, it demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and that one whom I am asked to forgive.

What honest words! And how aptly they applied to me! Along with Nouwen I could say, "I have often said, 'I forgive you,' but even as I said these words my heart remained angry or resentful ... It (divine forgiveness) demands of me that I step over that wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and that one whom I am asked to forgive." Children don't understand time, but it keeps on ticking. I hadn't understood this unforgiveness in my heart, but I came to realize that my resentfulness and wanting to stay in control in certain areas of my life was silently ticking away precious hours of my life. Once the truth was out in the air, it was either cling to my "rights" to be resentful and conditional, or with God's help let forgiveness be forgiveness. Mmm... time to let go. Through prayer and a lot of grace, I'm experiencing a new patience and freedom of soul.

At the 9pm service this past Sunday, one college student stood up and said, "People here know me. And they still look at me. People know what I've done. And they still look at me." With an emotion-filled voice she finished, "Christians forgive."

Yes, Christians forgive. Thank you, Jesus, for forgiving us first.